The Origin of Wisdom Teeth

Just a silly little thing I thought of today. I’ve always hated going to the dentist, far more than even going to a doctor or something, but had to do so today. Turns out my wisdom teeth are coming in (one of them coming in completely sideways) and I’ll need to get them taken out soon. Then I was thinking up some conspiracy theory behind them and came up with this. As I started writing it I decided to throw in a little Lovecraftian “I’m going to die soon and I need to write why” kind of thing for fun.

(Also, I’ve got a number of other smaller things in the work right now, that I’ll eventually get around to finishing and posting.)


I’ve learned something, something that I would not have originally thought of as vital, but I now fear it threatens my life, prompting me to write this.
Humans did not originally have wisdom teeth.
How can this be? you ask. Everyone has wisdom teeth.
But the scientist will understand. Wisdom teeth serve no purpose, biologically or evolutionarily. In fact, due to the problems wisdom teeth can cause, they may even have a preventative evolutionarily measure, humans mutated to have wisdom teeth would likely have a lower survivabilty rate due to their misgrowth, and thus have less time to procreate, and so on.
So how could this be? Why would humans gain wisdom teeth through their existence?
Selective breeding.
Dentists have been around forever. Since people have been eating sugary foods (even down to fruits and the like) and haven’t upkept their dental hygiene, dentists have been profiting from it. Sure, dentists may have shady deals with food distributors, incentivizing candy advertisements and things like that, but this goes beyond. Far beyond.
It all started when one unlucky chap was birthed with wisdom teeth. Some stray mutated gene gave him four extra molars. Of course he came to his local dentist once they had emerged, complaining of the pain of the tooth pushing up against the jawbone and the tooth tearing through the gum. The dentist was puzzled at the man’s teeth, and talked with other dentists he knew about it. None of them had ever heard of such a thing.
But in the midst of their talking, one dentist had an idea, an idea which would for the rest of humankind bring trouble to people and billions upon billions of dollars to the dental industry. He suggested that they create a “scarcity” of other males in the area. Turn that one (now lucky!) man into a pimp for all the women of the town, and pass his genes on to the next generation. Even if there were a couple other men in town, his offspring would be greater in number and would completely proliferate through the gene pool before long.
And it worked. Genetic engineering was obviously still a very primitive study, barely even a “study” at that point, but farmers had known for ages about how to breed the best sheep, cows, and other livestock, and they extrapolated it successfully to humans.
I dare not even say here how I came across this information. It has doomed me, and I wouldn’t wish this fate upon any others. But even now, as I feel the call of death coming to me, through all sorts of horrific dental equipment, I feel that I cannot in good conscience go out without writing why, even if no one ever stumbles upon this. And if you, reader, do, be careful. Be very careful. Stay away from dentists.


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