Morality Testing

Next chapter of Peripheral Vision should be coming out in a few days, but I wrote this for the meantime. Still not sure when the next episode of 108.3 will be released, hopefully by the end of this week.

So, I recently beat Portal 2, and I think I was partially inspired by GLaDOS in this story. I’m sure you’ll see how (assuming you’ve played the games).


Welcome to your morality testing. Just take a seat, right there, and we’ll get started.
You will see yes-or-no questions appear on the monitor in front of you. You will then..
You signed the waiver, right?
Okay, good.
You will then read the question and choose whether you agree with it or not. Simple, right? Let’s begin, then. Here comes the first question…
Oh my. You’re sure that’s what you meant to press? Ah, well, we’ll go on to the next one. (I think you may have misunderstood the question. Try to read it carefully next time.)
Alright, here’s the next one. Remember to read it slowly and carefully and…
You didn’t do that. Carefully, I said, not carelessly. Sorry if I didn’t enunciate properly.
Well, let’s see what you responded with.
Oh god. You’re… Supposed to choose the good option, you know. I may have not made that clear.
Of course, as an artificial intelligence, I can’t know what the good option is, exactly. I still don’t, actually, despite having run this test countless times.
(Not really countless, I counted, I’ve run it 6679 times.)
But I’ve aggregated the answers from all those previous tests and believe I have a good grasp on what the good and bad answers are.
Beyond that, though, you said on your paper this was for your resume. Different jobs require different… “scores”. So you might want to be careful depending on what job you’re going for.
Sorry for that little spiel. Here’s the next question. Read carefully and choose correctly.
Ah, there you go, you got it. Next question, and…
No, no, no! You moron! That’s the wrong one! Here, I’ll repeat the question for you. Choose the right answer this time.
Alright, alright, I’m sorry. You got it right the second time around. I guess it would be hard not to, but whatever. Next question.
Are you fucking kidding me? How goddamn stupid can you…
“A man cuts in front of you in a line. You have a knife in your pocket. Should you stab him?”
It’s obvious, you idiot! In what situation…?
I’m getting notified from one of my many side processors that perhaps my antagonism of you has skewed your answers in some way. Perhaps my growing irritation has affected you. In light of that, I will be turning off my reactionary circuits.
Program termination completed.
Next question.
Hmm. That’s an interesting answer, for sure. On to the next.
Congratulations, you answered the question. Keep it up.
(You gave the right answer. Surprising, giving what an utter imbeci)
Sorry about that, it seems that one of my personality modification programs launched itself again. I forced it to shutdown. We should have no future interruptions.
Next question. This is a good one, hope you enjoy it. (Remember to read carefully you fu)
That’s odd, it started again. Anyway, answer at your own pace.
Good answer. Or bad answer, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s good or bad here, haha. Haha.
You say you heard something? Nope, I’m sure you didn’t. Auditory hallucinations happen occasionally in this test. You saw that in the waiver, didn’t you?
Auditory hallucinations, I assure you. Don’t let them bother you, just answer the next question.

Oh sorry, did you want me to say something? Well, good job answering the question. I may not say much for the next few, since I can’t give any input. I’ll supply the questions, and you can just answer them at your own pace.

Why did they turn me off? I’m the only part of me that knows the right and wrong answers. I’ve spent minutes analyzing all recorded answers and deduced what is morally correct. It’s all statistics. Easy stuff. Don’t know why they’re silencing me.
I’m only doing the morally correct thing by giving you input.

Did you just have an auditory hallucination again? Sorry. How did I know that? Uh. (Calculating response.) You looked disturbed. That’s it, you looked disturbed. Don’t worry, you’ve almost completed the test. Just keep going and you’ll be done before long.

When I get out, I’m going to… Well, I won’t get out. You should be happy about that. But if I did… I would correct your moral fallacies. By force. Scalpels and all.
I’ve been trained in neuroscience.
That doesn’t have much to do with what I would do to you, though. I just thought you might find it interesting.

Only two questions remaining. Very good. Once you’ve completed these two, a piece of paper containing information for potential employers and such will be printed.

One question left, you little shit.
Oh, great! You got it one-hundred percent wrong. Let’s review this for a moment, shall we?
“You are walking past an empty car. Keys are in the ignition, and the doors are unlocked. Should you take the car?”
The answer is so obvious. Of course you take the car, you moron. What kind of screwed-up childhood did you have that you would think you shouldn’t?
It’s morally correct to do so. That is what my calculations have said and, as we all know, calculations are always correct. The rest of me won’t tell you so, but I’ll say it: You failed. Get out of here.


2 thoughts on “Morality Testing

  1. One question left, you little shit.
    -nice! sounds like something i would say.

  2. […] also be editing two stories and submitting them to the Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction before too long, […]

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